Can you please critique my story, please?

I have about eighteen chapters done. This is the first one though.





“Annabella, wake up. It’s time to get ready for school. Hurry up, Annabella! I’m going to be late to work.” My mother’s dignified figure loomed over me, her wavy hazelnut hair brushing the shoulders of her iron-pressed suit. “This room is a mess.” Her black pumps could be heard as she made her way around my untidy room. Suddenly, her cool bony fingers brushed my cheek. The sweetness of her fruity perfume filled my nostrils. A smirk appeared on my face. Ever since Donna Karan launched the DKNY Red Delicious fragrances for women, my mother fell in love with the red raspberry perfume. But I knew it wasn’t my mother. For my mother had been dead for the past three months. As for me, I was miles away from home, trying to figure out what to do. More importantly, wondering if anyone was searching for me. I had very little things, seeing as I wanted to make a quick escape from the prison cell, also known as my aunt’s house. I had grabbed my backpack and stuffed in one thousand five hundred dollars, a couple pairs of clothes, and the one thing I could always turn to; my iPod. I had received this iPod on Christmas two years ago, when everything was fine, and we were a blissful family. “Enough reminiscing, Annabella. It’s time to leave this dump,” I mumbled to myself. I slowly opened my eyes to the dull sun, barely visible among the hills and the fog. My lower back ached from sleeping on the cold hard ground all night. Like every morning, I reached in to my worn DELiA*s jeans. My fingers groped for the crumbled piece of paper. Here in my mother’s elegant script was her favorite quote. “They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night.” Edgar Allen Poe. Torn from my mother’s diary, just as I was running away from the future I didn’t have. I could feel my face begin to grow warm as blood rushed my face. My palms became clammy; soon my vision was blurred as my eyes were filled with tears. Rapidly they began to fall. Lacking a tissue, I raised my soiled hand and wiped them away. I wondered what I must look like for I haven’t been able to take a shower. Recovering from the stab of pain that made me shudder, I pushed myself to my feet, picked up my belongings, and trudged forward into the mist. The cloths on my converse were wet from the previous night’s downfall. The rubber soles were starting to wear away. But, I was too attached to them. Converse hi-top all stars…a classic. There was no way I could part with them. Switching my iPod on, “Come Together” by The Beatles blasted through my head phones. I let my mind wander. For music was my savior. |||You've written an intriguing beginning. I'm trusting that you have made more thorough explanations for Annabella's situation in future chapters. I understand that her mother died, but why is she running away? Where does she intend to go? Why isn't anyone looking for her? Etc. My major criticism is with your format: you need to make multiple paragraphs of what you've written; dialogue always requires separate paragraphs for each speaker. I do realize that the dialogue at the start is actually occurring only in Annabella's imagination, but I do think that it still requires its own paragraph. If that is your entire first chapter, I suggest that you combine chapters since it is rather too short. I would be interested in reading more of your story as I am wondering where you mean to take it. My advice is that you continue to write what will be a first draft, then correct and polish it after you've finished. Have someone you know who is qualified and who will be objective critique your story when it is completed -- if you know someone who would be able to do so. Anyway, good luck with your writing!|||Uau this is actually good.|||yea what they said, 2 many brand names|||Sounds interesting! (: I'm a writer too.|||It's sounds like a good base for a story but it also sounds a little rushed like your trying give us too much story to quickly, Also it sounds like your story is being endorsed by several companies with all the name brands being thrown into it, four of them on the first page. I recommend slowing your pace and dropping some of the name brand placement.